Undertale: Sans Guacamole AU and ARG
by wakkaman jr
Summary: When Sans goes to the surface and meets old enemies and un unlikely presidential ally, will his life ever be the same? (Or sane, for that matter.) Sans will journey from zero to hero, all the while gaining favor from his mysterious helper and hate from his valiant enemies. Will he prevail?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Guacamole Bay

I don't own guacamole or any of its spices.  
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One day Sans and his good old chum Papyrus Scroll were eating spaghetti ($45) at Grillby's Authentic Mexican Food (and People). Sans shot the Mexican waiter as he pleaded for his life over a bowl of spaghetti. No one was there to watch. Sans loved the Surface, with all of its great treasures and eateries. Sans watched on TV as the building of the Great Wall of America was completed. Shit. That meant no more Mexican food for Sans. Donald had already banned that years ago, but illegal shops still ran strong under the radar.  
Sans looked down at the bowl of guacamole at his feet. He saw that Papyrus Scroll was using the guacamole to burn off his pants. Sans looked at naked Papyrus scroll and exclaimed,"I am Chip da Ripper!" before using an interior crocodile alligator to kill Papyrus Scroll behind a Chevrolet movie theater. He then watched Komali smash a rose pot on the ground. He killed him too, but this time with guacamole. The cops were onto him now. But Megalomania was playing, and Sans got over the state border, where the cops no longer had jurisdiction to arrest his skeletal ass.  
Upon getting over the border, he saw Donald giving a speech about blockades. Donald said to Sans," What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate." Sans knew what he meant, so he went back and twisted Papyrus into an x shape because X gonna give it to ya. He then broke a rose pot on Komali to make sure he was dead and twisted his neck like Donald said.  
Sans knew that if he was caught, he would face life in prison because Capitol Punishment would be a Human Rights Violation. He was also a celebrity on the Surface, and he owned a strip club named "No Boners, just Bones." What would he do if all of his money and freedom were taken away? He would slaughter all of his friends and acquaintances and anyone he found smashing pots.  
In order to vent his rage, Sans went to Cheddar's, where he shot up Mowgli and Baloo with a battle worn, airbrushed colt 911. Everyone in Cheddar's had blinked when this happened, so no one noticed. Sans then rubbed the last of his guacamole on his eyebrows in order to remove them. Then, to his horror, Sans realized that he didn't have eyebrows, and the liberal amount of guacamole he had placed on his head would eat through it and cause him to be rejected by Donald. Sans couldn't stand the thought, so he did the unthinkable. He caged the rage and wiped the guacamole off his head before saying "Donald!" ten times in order to ward off the liberal guacamole. The guac exploded in a fiery ball as Donald appeared and built a wall around its grave. Donald then said, " Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war," before disappearing in a puff of smoke Sans was dying, but Donald had slowed his demise. He felt the pull of the liberal guacamole and began to lose hope, but he soon realized what Donald meant. He would have to lose in order to win. But he had to declare war on China first. He also needed to twist his previous victims some more.  
Sans fell asleep to regain strength, but as he awoke, he saw Donald again. "They are taking our jobs. China is taking our jobs," Donald said. Sans knew what he must do. He ran back to Grillby's and saw that both his victims were dead. Donald was right, China was taking twisty anal jobs from the U.S.A.! Sans knew that he had to melt China with Donald's private jet, but he had lost the strength to go on. Then Donald appeared to him one last time."No, I'm not into anal," he said, "give them some of the ol' Trump bullshit."  
Sans then jumped into Donald's private jet and used the rear thruster to melt China, killing 336,544,420 people in the process and ruining China's economy. This sent jobs back to the U.S.A. Donald was very happy with Sans, so Sans received the 2020 Nobel Peace Prize.  
Sans had served Donald well, but he knew that he could not go on much longer. He then expelled all of his remaining energy in order to assure Donald's re-election. Donald was so overjoyed that, as he watched Sans dying before him, he couldn't help but shed a tear for the massive loss of Chinese life. However, he quickly got over it. But as his tear fell on Sans, San's energy was renewed. He stood up and smashed a piñata of Komali, finally getting revenge for the roses that were killed in the pot. Blood began to drip from the piñata, the blood of the rose murderer. Everyone cheered. Sans was a hero!  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ End of chapter 1 All Trump quotes used above are 100% real (Don't believe me, just look it up)  
Also, the ARG starts on the next chapter. It is hard to miss it. 


	2. Rose

Chapter 2: ARG Sans

I do not own ocean water or its molecules.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It had been about a month since the rose murderer was finally mauled to death in his piñata casket. The brave Sans and the powerful Donald were forced to part ways on account of corruption charges as well as Sans' trigger finger. There was no peace. The liberal guacamole was behind the dumpster at Grillby's, plotting its rose murderer was dead and yet he was right next to Sans bottling water and drinking gasoline during the separation of Donald and Sans. Not really "alive," but still there. Sans was sick of it, so he decided that a vacation to the ocean would do him well.  
Donald once again set out with Sans to sail once more. However, there were a couple of Mexicans and old friends. Pedro had joined, accompanying the crew on the S.S. Trump Princess, which he had stolen back from AL Waleed. Their goal was to find a place to build Trump Tower II. Papyrus and Komali, world class guacamole champions, had also tagged along despite being seemingly dead. However, the liberal guacamole had sung Soulja Boy until they were revived by the funky beat. Donald disliked the teachings of the liberal guacamole, so he gave Sans the job of executing Sans and the Rose Murderer silently. Sans, however, was happy to be given all of Donald's dirty work. It angered Donald to see Sans be a fashionista executor, but he knew that executions would be bad for his PR, and he could not have that shit.  
The crew made numerous stops on Donald's resorts, enslaving Mexicans, buying McDonalds chains, and attempting 1st degree murder. The shit given to them by sans' trigger finger made it so that bad press followed them wherever they went. X was given, Chevrolet movie theaters were formed, and Donald's jet was repaired in order to melt the Democrats. However, Donald was worried that the Rose Murderer was still alive.  
The following day, Donal looked at Sans and said,"The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive." Trump then disappeared off the boat as it crashed on the U.S. coat. Sans was thrown through the window of Grillby's Authentic Mexican Food (and People). He knew what Donald meant. He was going to have to stop the Rose Murderer from committing acts of global warming. He had to force him to be non-competitive, but twisting him to the beat of Levels by Avicii. He saw Komali smashing a pot of roses. Sans had a good feeling. He had a feeling that he'd never, never, never had before. Oh, he had a good feeling, yeah. He then leveled the Rose Murderer with a pot of guacamole.  
Sans went back inside, and Pumped up Kicks was on. He saw Papyrus Scroll standing there, bathing in LIBERAL amounts of guacamole. Sans' got a quick hand. He'll look around the room. He won't tell you his candidate. He's got a rolled campaign sign. Hanging out his ass. He's a cowboy bitch.  
But Sans looked at the clock. 11:59. Shit. He was here, standing just outside the restaurant. Sans saw him smile, his teeth full of bugs, patches, and a cigar. He was looking right at Sans. Sans looked down. 100%. This was it. Sans was finally going to get his just dues. He looked at his feet and saw the blood of the Rose Murderer trickling past him. Sans was going to die.  
Then he heard the dreaded words. "It's hi—." But the words were cut short. He heard Donald say, "The show is 'Trump.' And it is sold-out performances everywhere." He then flew his jet right into the cowboy. There was a massive explosion. Sans heard a voice shouting about how he had played the game or something, but he did not care. He ran up to the jet, but Donald had disappeared in a puff of smoke again. However, there was a note left on the jet that read, "Give them some of the ol' Trump bullshit." Sans knew what he must do. He blasted away from Grillby's, burning down the restaurant and Papyrus Scroll in the process. He flew straight toward the Democrats, but he lost control and crashed back onto the S.S. Princess Trump.  
Sans took back control of the ship and was ready to do his worst. He activated the Trump Thrusters, causing the boat to reach 45% the speed of light. He then smashed the boat into mainland China, destroying the continent of Asia and wiping it (and 23% of Europe) off the map. However, at such high speeds, the liberal guacamole was able to take over his soul, and Sans began to die again.  
He was rushed back to the White House, where he was immediately given the 2021 Nobel Peace Prize for bringing jobs back to America. However, Sans was dying, as was most of Europe. Donald was on the brink of tears, but he held them back. "They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists," he said to himself, trying to keep calm.  
But Sans had learned. Thinking on his ass, he realized what he had to do. He quickly built a wall around the liberal guacamole in his soul. The wall fell over and crushed the guacamole, finally killing it to the tune of Crank Dat (and $600,000).  
In fact, Sans and Donald had escaped the award ceremony, Sans' two Nobel Peace Prizes in hand. They ran back to Trump Bay to gloat in glory. The lazy skeleton sat down in the sand and looked up at Donald, holding his Nobel Peace Prize. Donald could't be more proud of Sans. He had brought so many job back to America, and he had finally defeated China (and most of Eurasia.) "I don't want people coming in from the terror countries," Donald said in order to reconcile his actions. He looked down to see Sans smoothly sipping a glass of fine imported gasoline. Donald wasn't the type to go nuts over gasoline, but this was fancy, imported gasoline. Sure, He had a history of bankruptcy, but not of the poor sort. Donald knew that is he and Sans partnered again, the press would screw them over and they would really screw something up. But Donald laughed. "Please," he argued. "I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke." Sans chuckled. He knew what Donald meant. He had to kill every person on earth who drank Diet Coke, and he had to use Donald's private jet in order to do it. But Sans could feel something. He could feel the pull of the liberal guacamole, but he knew how to resist it now. Donald looked at Sans and said, "My life has been about winning. My life has not been about losing." Sans smiled. He knew what Donald meant by this. He could not afford to screw this up. He looked at Donald and said, "My plans never fail."

ARG starts here (for those of you who don't know, this is a little game that may answer some of your questions)  
Change all forward slashes to back slashes (\ to /) and change the exclamation point to a period (! to .) While manually entering the link in your search bar. Have a nice game. You may even get some answers...

http:\\\wakkamanjr!deviantart!com\art\Masked-636426060

Thank you for reading. Maybe there is a part 3 out there… somewhere…..dig deeper…


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